Funny How Things Change

I  was at the pool the other day, watching my kids swim when one of my neighbors came over and sat next to me. As moms do at these outdoor adventures, we settled in, and while keeping one eye on our kids, we started talking. After talking about a wide variety of topics, we landed on one that I have been pondering for days now. I have been married for a long time (almost 21 years) and this gal has been married for at least ten, and we were commiserating about how our relationships with our husbands have changed over the years. When a person first meets and starts dating someone, it seems they just can't get enough of each other. I remember going out on  dates with my husband, then coming home and calling him on the phone and talking until we both fell asleep. After we got married, we were both working and couldn't wait to get home to spend time with each other. Next, the babies started coming, and I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to give me some relief and to have someone to talk to. When the kids got a little older, I made a little more of my own "groove". The house was run a certain way during the day, and when dad came home, all attention turned to him. I liked having him around, and I enjoyed hiring a babysitter and going out on dates with him.

Oh my how things have changed! I still care about my husband, and enjoy talking to him most of the time, and I certainly would enjoy it if he would ask me out on a date, but things are a lot different than they used to be! I look forward to the work week so I can have a little peace around the house. I rather like it when my husband calls and says he will be home late. I really like it when he calls and says he has to out of town on a business trip for a few days. I feel different now. I am more confidant, and long for relationships with other people. Often times, my husband comes home and immediately starts yelling at the kids and complaining about the state the house is in (after a day at the pool, I have to admit, no housework gets done!). If he doesn't come storming in spewing out orders, he comes in sullen and silent. Either way, it is uncomfortable and no one wants to be around him. He often complains that no one is interested in him and no one listens to what he says. I am afraid to point out that neither yelling nor sullen behavior attracts any of us to him. He seems to want things both ways: he wants quiet time to unwind from work ("leave me alone") and at the same time wants everyone to lavish attention and affection on him. It is very confusing. It seems that the more time I spend with him, the less I enjoy his company. I believe there is something to the old sayings that go like this: "familiarity breeds contempt" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  They are opposites, but are really what my life is all about right now.

Grammatical Trials of Marriage

I have been married a long time and it amazes me that we have stayed together given our differences. Marriage is no piece of cake! The man I married twenty years ago is not the man I live with today. I am sure the reverse is also true. Some of our current differences are causing a bit of a strain on our relationship, but some of the differences, while annoying to me, are rather humorous, and I have to just pat myself on the back for biting my tongue and push forward. Here is an example of the somewhat humorous differences that have annoyed me through the years, but are, at the same time kind of funny. My husband and I didn't meet until we were in our mid-twenties, so I don't really know what his family life was like as a child. I was the product of two teachers who were adamant about grammar and spelling and sentence structure and manners and all that stuff, so when I married this guy whose parents are first generation Italian-American, and non-college educated, I had to back off a little. So. . . here are the things that bug me. My husband insists that words like long and song and wrong all end in the hard g sound---lon-guh, son-guh, wron-guh, etc. I insist  that those words end in the soft g sound, unless you are saying longest, strongest, etc. Another thing that is annoying to me is that he insists the correct usage of the plural of pair is pair. One pair, two pair. I, on the other hand, learned that it is one pair, or two pairs. My husband's reasoning is that one doesn't say, "I have 2 dozens of eggs" but I don't think that reasoning is really right. I'm not sure what the rule is, and truth be told, I think both ways are correct, but I think my way at least sounds the best. Another thing that really isn't grammatical but something that gets on my nerves is every time someone says "...it changed my life forever..." he has a fit because he says that the "forever" isn't necessary. Change happens and things will never be the same, so, according to him, adding forever to the statement is superfluous (my word, not his). The adding of the word "forever" just doesn't bother me. I think it is often added for emphasis. One last thing that bothers me is that my husband thinks the words bring and take are interchangeable. He says, "You need to bring this library book back." Whereas, I would say, "You need to take this library book back." Come to think of it, I don't think he ever uses the word take. I'm not sure why his use of the word bring instead of take annoys me so, but I really do not believe the two words mean exactly the same thing (thin-guh). At any rate, at least I can recognize the little bit of humor in it now instead of the annoyance of it  when we were first married.

Snoring

Okay, I might have posted about this before, but it is really becoming a problem. My husband snores, snorts, farts, shakes the bed, moans and makes all other sorts of disgusting sounds in his sleep. It is killing our relationship and he thinks I'm making it all up. I dread going to bed with him. I love the idea of having a peaceful, dreamy, relaxed sleep, but I can't remember the last time I had that. My husband hears what I am saying about all the noise and junk he brings on at night; he even went so far as to purchase those Breathe Right nose strips, but he has yet to open the box. I think my husband thinks its funny, but I am now to the point where I am angry. It isn't my fault that I have to sleep out on the sofa or in one of my kids' rooms, but he acts all indignant when he wakes up in the morning and I haven't slept in that hellish bed with him. It is ruining our relationship, and he thinks it's funny. He also emits this terrible sweating, old man sort of stench when he sleeps and I can't bear to be around it. I don't know what to do because I have told him how I feel and he just blows me off. I am open to any suggestions.

2009 Dodge Journey-Battle of Wills

I have always been a car person. I enjoy looking at cars, sitting in cars, riding in cars, knowing makes and models of cars, etc. It is a rather strange thing for a forty-something mother of four to enjoy doing, but it is something I have done my whole life. I remember when I was a kid, my dad kept getting these small toy cars as premium gifts from a gas station. I loved them, and would always entertain myself on car trips trying to name the makes and models of cars that I saw passing by. My husband, who is an engineer, is the opposite. He doesn't seem to find any kind of pleasure in cars. He doesn't know makes or models, he doesn't care about how they look or feel. They are simply a tool for him to use, and he considers them somewhat of a painful way of spending money. With all that being said, I have to say in the eighteen+ years we have been married, the only time we have bought at car is when he deems it necessary or when we have a vehicle crisis and are forced to buy whatever "will do" that is on the car lot. My husband is perfectly happy to pump thousands of dollars into an old car, rather than look at the bigger picture and get rid of a money pit and put the money toward something that is newer and more efficient. Another part of the money/car game we play is that he says "yes, let's go look" or "get the old Taurus ready to trade and we'll drive it to the car dealer and see what kind of deal we can get." I do all the research, do the preliminary testing of the new car, and then the real battle begins, present arguments, with supporting evidence, as to why we should buy/lease a new vehicle get all ready to go make a deal, and he changes his mind and says we can't afford it or it's not a good time, or whatever. This pattern has been followed our entire time together, and in the end, I'm the one who loses. We currently have a 2000 Chevy Suburban with 150,000+ miles on it that I drive, a new 2007 Hyundai Santa Fe that he drives (which was an emergency purchase when the Suburban didn't work) and a 1997 Ford Taurus station wagon with 147,000+ miles on it and currently doesn't start. My thought was that since the Suburban is running well now, but seems to have expensive crises every few months, we should keep it as a supplemental vehicle, and trade the old Taurus, and get something that gets better gas mileage, would be easier for me to get around in, and has more current safety features. I could ask him to look at the new Volvo crossover vehicles that are running a cool $40,000, but even though I would love to have one, I started looking at the new, more affordable, 2009 Dodge Journey. The $2.99 gas deal was just as enticing as the car. At any rate, have done all the footwork for this thing, and my husband remains unconvinced. I believe that in the long run, the Journey, if we lease it for three years, would save us money. He sees it as another one of my silly notions and maneuvers to "get my way" and spend more money. This is an eighteen year battle that is never ending and this warrior is growing weary. My husband hasn't said anything about the car since the stupid run-around he put me through by saying we could do it and then, pulling out of it at the last minute, but I will do more footwork and find out how much insurance will be, how much gas would be, how much a license would be, and then see if we would come out ahead. I know in the end, he will win; that's how it has been and until I become independently wealthy, that's how it will remain.

Man-Opause

Living with my husband has been very unsettling lately. His behavior is unpredictable and sometimes difficult to deal with. I decided to do a little research and I believe my husband is going through "male menopause". I have learned through my research that men go through similar hormone changes that women go through when they experience menopause. A lot of stuff has happened to us and our family in the last year, and most of it has not all that positive. My husband's father died in the Spring, and that really sent things into a tailspin. All of a sudden, my husband wanted to move and change jobs, so we did even though I did not want to . We are now living in an area that is totally foreign and isolated and I am unhappy. I am not sure that the move has made my husband happy either. Nothing seems to satisfy him. He is angry all the time and takes it out on all of us. I am learning that most of his problem is him, me or the girls. He gets upset at the slightest little things, so we just need to step back and let him feel his feelings. I really don't know what else to do. I cannot control his behavior or his reactions to what is going on around him. I understand now why so many marriages start to deteriorate during this time. "Man-opause" is real and very unpleasant!