Congratulations! You Lose!

Shortly after I wrote my last post about filing for bankruptcy, we got a letter from our lawyer. The first sentence said, "Congratulations! Your Chapter 13 bankruptcy payment plan has been confirmed! Yada, yada, yada, b*llsh*t, b*llsh*t, b*llsh*t. . . What in the hell are they congratulating us for! That has to be the most asinine  letter I have ever received. Congratulations, you now get to pay us an enormous amount of money for the next five years, live below the poverty level, and be less motivated than ever to improve you earnings--(because if you do, we will adjust your payment to an even higher level, CHA-CHING!!!!) Filing for bankruptcy can sometimes really give people relief. Sometimes people need a second chance. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants to get their act together and pay for what they want. For me, I get that we need to be "punished" for what "we" (I only was aware of some of the debt we had, the rest was hidden from me by my husband) did. Instead of trying to pay back what we owed using Consumer Credit Counseling, my husband insisted that we jump into the bankruptcy, thinking it would be a quick fix. That is him in a nutshell--everything has to be "right now." If he would have been willing to really work out a budget with CCC, we might have avoided this whole mess. It all seems too much for me, too humiliating, too stressful to see that you have absolutely no money for groceries, too scary if, God forbid, any of the six of us would have some sort of accident, or illness, we would not have any way to pay for it. Even more likely, if one of our cars had a big problem, we won't be able to get it fixed. Extra money is just not there, and there are no credit cards to fall back on. In addition to that, we cannot ask our families for help because my husband has ordered me not to tell anyone; add to that that we have to lie to our children when they want to do something extra, and we don't have the money. All of this is simply too much, and really something that I am ashamed to be going through. This should never have happened to intelligent, educated, hard-working, motivated people. If only my husband had told me the truth when I asked him if we needed to work on a budget years ago. If only, if only. . . Please heed my words, do anything you can to avoid bankruptcy. It will ruin your life!

Funny How Things Change

I  was at the pool the other day, watching my kids swim when one of my neighbors came over and sat next to me. As moms do at these outdoor adventures, we settled in, and while keeping one eye on our kids, we started talking. After talking about a wide variety of topics, we landed on one that I have been pondering for days now. I have been married for a long time (almost 21 years) and this gal has been married for at least ten, and we were commiserating about how our relationships with our husbands have changed over the years. When a person first meets and starts dating someone, it seems they just can't get enough of each other. I remember going out on  dates with my husband, then coming home and calling him on the phone and talking until we both fell asleep. After we got married, we were both working and couldn't wait to get home to spend time with each other. Next, the babies started coming, and I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to give me some relief and to have someone to talk to. When the kids got a little older, I made a little more of my own "groove". The house was run a certain way during the day, and when dad came home, all attention turned to him. I liked having him around, and I enjoyed hiring a babysitter and going out on dates with him.

Oh my how things have changed! I still care about my husband, and enjoy talking to him most of the time, and I certainly would enjoy it if he would ask me out on a date, but things are a lot different than they used to be! I look forward to the work week so I can have a little peace around the house. I rather like it when my husband calls and says he will be home late. I really like it when he calls and says he has to out of town on a business trip for a few days. I feel different now. I am more confidant, and long for relationships with other people. Often times, my husband comes home and immediately starts yelling at the kids and complaining about the state the house is in (after a day at the pool, I have to admit, no housework gets done!). If he doesn't come storming in spewing out orders, he comes in sullen and silent. Either way, it is uncomfortable and no one wants to be around him. He often complains that no one is interested in him and no one listens to what he says. I am afraid to point out that neither yelling nor sullen behavior attracts any of us to him. He seems to want things both ways: he wants quiet time to unwind from work ("leave me alone") and at the same time wants everyone to lavish attention and affection on him. It is very confusing. It seems that the more time I spend with him, the less I enjoy his company. I believe there is something to the old sayings that go like this: "familiarity breeds contempt" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  They are opposites, but are really what my life is all about right now.

"Date Night" is More Than Just a Comedy

Have you ever gone to a movie expecting to be entertained, and end up coming out of the movie having been moved in an unexpected way? That is exactly what happened to me this weekend when my husband and I went to see the film "Date Night" starring Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. I thought it would be a good laugh and that I would enjoy it and that would be it, but the film did far more than that. Near the climax of the movie when the couple was talking about their friends who were breaking up, and how the friends described their relationship as really excellent roommates, I really had to think about that. The Tina Fey and Steve Carrell couple were trying to figure out if they were more than just "excellent roommates" or if their marriage was more than that. I have been married for twenty years and lately, I have been questioning what my relationship with my husband is, and what it means. We have been traveling on a pretty bumpy and precarious road for the last couple of years, and frankly, for me, our relationship is quite like being excellent roommates. I have no desire to divorce my husband, but I also have no real motivation to be anything more than a roommate. He has become someone different than I thought he was. I am sure I am different than the person he married twenty years ago. I am much more independent and stronger than I ever thought of myself in the early years of our marriage. I used to think he was a hero; that he could fix anything, and solve any problem. What I have now come to realize is that I am the one who is strong and can solve problems and keep us together. It has been me all along. I have been let down and hurt and confused by my husband for all these years and the thing that has kept me going; kept me with him, is my faith, and my strength. I am so much more than just a housewife. I don't know what the future holds. Maybe we will get stronger and survive the current mess we are in. Maybe we will continue being excellent roommates, or maybe there will be more in store for us that will bring us closer, I just don't know. The movie, "Date Night" is a good one and there is more of a message in it than your average comedy. I'm glad I saw it!

The Importance of Friends

Something that my mother-in-law said to me when she was visiting us at Christmas has been bugging me. When I was lamenting the fact that I missed my friends back in Indiana, she said, "Friends are over-rated." At the time, I thought it was a strange and rather un-helpful statement to make to someone who was clearly homesick and lonely. Anyway, she says a lot of puzzling things that I just have to forget, but this one has stuck with me all this time. Part of the reason it has been dogging me is because I don't believe it's true, and also because my husband, through the years, has also said similar things to me. He has never really put much value on friendships like I have and now I know why. The longer I am married to this man, the more I see how differently our families functions, and what things our indiviual families valued. Even though I hate to admit it, I am awfully thankful I am from the family I came from. I think friendship is something humans can live without, but I don't think you live very well or very happily without friends. I feel terrible to say this, but right now, in this place, I have no friends. Sure, I have acquaintences here: my girls' teachers, a few friendly people at the church I am attending, and two neighbors, but these people while being friendly are not true friends. There isn't anyone here that I can just call to talk to, or to ask to see a movie or go shopping with. It's all very strange to me. I have been finding myself craving adult interaction, but there just isn't any to be had other than my husband, and these days, he's just not all that interesting to me; just too much of a downer to be around him. I guess the good thing is that I still have friends in Indiana so when we eventually get back there, I won't have to start all over in the friend department. In my opinion, friends are just as important as family and I miss having them.

The Nightmare Garden

Since we have a huge yard; 3 acres, to be exact, I decided I should have a couple of gardens. I got a couple of plans and told my husband that all he needed to do was to let go of the purse strings and let me spend the money I needed to in order to get the gardens going, and to help me with any of the heavy physical work I might need to do. Now, here is the thing about projects like this, my husband and me: I always have the ideas, I always need money and my husband always changes things in some way so that my plans are no longer my plans. This has been the exact same pattern throughout our entire 18 year marriage. I should have known it would be the same thing with regard to this project.
I told my youngest daughter that she could have her own garden and I would have a vegetable/flower garden of my own. I have gathered most of what I need as far as seeds and plants, but now I need to get the beds going, and as usual, my husband is balking at helping me. Since the yard is just grass and weeds (it is a new house/property) the ground needs to be tilled in order to get the garden bed layed out. To make a LONG story a little shorter, we do not have a roto-tiller. My husband was hesitant to make arrangements to rent one because the weather is so unpredictable, and so now I have to come up with some other way to get what I want.
The other morning, my husband woke up all disgusted with me because he "had not slept a wink" because he was worried about tilling up my garden plot. Oh brother, what a terrible thing to waste sleep on! I told him not to worry about it, and once again, I have come up with a solution that cuts out what I wanted, but allows my daughter to have her own garden.
I decided to buy the supplies for a raised garden so that the ground will not have to be tilled. My husband will probably have to purchase some more topsoil, but at least he won't have to worry about the tiller. Today, his assignment is to check out the 8' x 8' raised garden kit that Costco is carrying. I wanted to order it online at www.costco.com, but of course my husband wants to see what it looks like and doesn't want to have to pay shipping. I have high hopes today, but I'll bet by this evening, my husband will come home and say, "I can just buy the hardware and build a raised garden for you--it will be a lot cheaper." And then guess what? My garden will never happen! I'll keep you posted on the outcome. In the meantime, I have strawberry plants and zinnias that are ready to be planted!

Just Not That Into It

I don't know what has gotten into me lately. I just don't want to do the things I usually enjoy doing. My heart just isn't in it. I think the stress of the last year or so is starting to take its toll on me. I used to love to shop, now it's just a chore. I used to not mind so much cleaning the house, now I just can't bring myself to do it. I never really minded doing laundry, but, you guessed it, I just really don't care if I get it done or if it gets folded or not. I just don't care! In looking at what has happened in my life over the last year, it feels like I have been on a spinning ride and all I really wanted was for it to stop. For the last eight months I have been living in a house that doesn't feel like home, a town that has nothing and does nothing for me, and have just sort of been wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what I should be doing and how I can change the way I feel. Everyone says, "Oh, you just need to get out there and meet people!" Well, I have. I have found a church that the girls and I have been attending regularly; I have been volunteering regularly at the elementary school where my youngest children go. I have volunteered at the middle school, I go to the same grocery store regularly, I am trying to replace all the things I used to do and enjoy with things here, but it just isn't the same. I don't like it, and I want to. I really don't want to feel unhappy. I want to say that I like it here. I want to say this is the best move we ever made, but all of that would be a lie. I just am unhappy, plain and simple. I'm not into the traffic jams just to go to Target. I'm just not into being inconvenienced at every turn, I'm just not that into not having one single adult friend other than my husband. It feels awful!