Funny How Things Change

I  was at the pool the other day, watching my kids swim when one of my neighbors came over and sat next to me. As moms do at these outdoor adventures, we settled in, and while keeping one eye on our kids, we started talking. After talking about a wide variety of topics, we landed on one that I have been pondering for days now. I have been married for a long time (almost 21 years) and this gal has been married for at least ten, and we were commiserating about how our relationships with our husbands have changed over the years. When a person first meets and starts dating someone, it seems they just can't get enough of each other. I remember going out on  dates with my husband, then coming home and calling him on the phone and talking until we both fell asleep. After we got married, we were both working and couldn't wait to get home to spend time with each other. Next, the babies started coming, and I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to give me some relief and to have someone to talk to. When the kids got a little older, I made a little more of my own "groove". The house was run a certain way during the day, and when dad came home, all attention turned to him. I liked having him around, and I enjoyed hiring a babysitter and going out on dates with him.

Oh my how things have changed! I still care about my husband, and enjoy talking to him most of the time, and I certainly would enjoy it if he would ask me out on a date, but things are a lot different than they used to be! I look forward to the work week so I can have a little peace around the house. I rather like it when my husband calls and says he will be home late. I really like it when he calls and says he has to out of town on a business trip for a few days. I feel different now. I am more confidant, and long for relationships with other people. Often times, my husband comes home and immediately starts yelling at the kids and complaining about the state the house is in (after a day at the pool, I have to admit, no housework gets done!). If he doesn't come storming in spewing out orders, he comes in sullen and silent. Either way, it is uncomfortable and no one wants to be around him. He often complains that no one is interested in him and no one listens to what he says. I am afraid to point out that neither yelling nor sullen behavior attracts any of us to him. He seems to want things both ways: he wants quiet time to unwind from work ("leave me alone") and at the same time wants everyone to lavish attention and affection on him. It is very confusing. It seems that the more time I spend with him, the less I enjoy his company. I believe there is something to the old sayings that go like this: "familiarity breeds contempt" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  They are opposites, but are really what my life is all about right now.

It's the Thought That Counts, But. . . .

I know by now I really shouldn't have such high expectations about gift-giving from my husband. We have been married for twenty years, and I can honestly say that he has never given me a gift, either for Christmas or my birthday, I that I actually wanted, asked for or was pleased with. I should just not have any expectations and then maybe one of these years, he will get something really great. It seems he always loses his mind when it comes to giving me a gift. We have been together for 21 years, we have four children and we talk about our likes and dislikes all the time. I just don't get why he gives me gifts that he wouldn't even give a stranger. This year, I should have expected something was amiss when he kept insisting my food chopper was broken. It isn't and I had no desire or need to replace it, but every time I was in the kitchen, he kept trying to get me to say it was broken. I thought it was strange, but didn't think he was trying to send some sort of subliminal message to me to make me say I needed another one. Sure enough, one of my presents from him was another chopper. Very weird. The other puzzler of a gift was two cardboard boxes. You know, the kind people who do that scrapbooking stuff use to organize their pictures? I'm really just guessing about that because I truthfully don't know what people do with those boxes. Sometimes those kind of boxes are very pretty and could be used for other things, but the boxes I got aren't pretty at all. Just sort of beige. That was a real head scratcher. My daughter was with him when he bought those things, and she asked him why he was buying that stuff and he didn't answer her. She told him she didn't think any of the items were all that useful to me, but deferred to his wishes; as we all do for fear of his angry outbursts.

I don't want to sound selfish. Really it would be better if he wouldn't try to give me anything at all because at least I wouldn't have to be embarrassed about trying to act like I like them. It is a terrible position to be put in. I dream about getting a nice pair of pajamas, or slippers, or a sweater, or socks--anything but a kitchen gadget! For twenty years I have tried to help him give me something that isn't a waste of money. I have told him outright what to get, I have written things down, I have asked the girls to guide him to what would be a good gift, all to no avail. He just wants to give these strange and awful things. Oh, I almost forgot, he did give me something kind of, well, good, I guess. I got a complete set of "Barney Miller" episodes. I really do need to lower my expectations!